Thanks Melissa Maygrove for this fun meme!
Rules for the Magic 8 Ball Meme:1. Post the button and link to Jaycee deLorenzo (following would be nice, but not required). 2. Share an excerpt from your current WIP, perhaps something you're struggling with, are stuck on, or just can't "get right."
3. Ask a question about your excerpt. It can be something easy such as "What do you think?" or something more in-depth, such as "Can you suggest a better way to word such-and-such," or "How can I make the emotions in this scene more realistic?"
4. Tag 8 people.
These are a few lines from my WiP, Birds of a Feather. Pigeon is at Camp Hope, a camp-like school for troubled teens, where they wear bracelets for entrance into dorms and buildings as a modified attendance and tracking system and to keep kids from losing keys.
*My bracelet holds steady in front of the scanner and the door to my cage, I mean room, pops open.
*He pulls me in the direction of the door and throws his wrist over the sensor sending us into the twilight.
*I run back to my dorm, keeping my head down the entire way, swipe my wrist next to my door and throw myself under the covers.
*My bracelet scans me into my dorm, into my room, into solitude.
*He pulls me in the direction of the door and throws his wrist over the sensor sending us into the twilight.
*I run back to my dorm, keeping my head down the entire way, swipe my wrist next to my door and throw myself under the covers.
*My bracelet scans me into my dorm, into my room, into solitude.
*Falcon raises my wrist in front of the scanner to the girls’ floor, then again at my door.
DO THESE MAKE SENSE?
*shakes Magic 8 Ball furiously*
Sending magic to . . .
They make sense to me! :D
ReplyDeleteYes :) haha. It makes sense :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the tag my dear!
Makes sense to me too.
ReplyDeleteThat was an easy one. :)
Uh, huh?
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm kidding, girl. Totally makes sense. :) Reminds me a little of Minority Report only they're scanning wrists not eyes.
I take it these sentences each stand alone, yeah? ;)
ReplyDeleteThe second is a bit of a run-on, but that can be fixed with a comma.
Thanks for sharing. :)
Makes sense, also a cool idea!
ReplyDeleteThey all sound good to me. I like how they're varied, too. It's not the same swipe and go. Good job! (And thanks for the tag. I needed a post for tomorrow, and I've been stressing about something I could use some help with!)
ReplyDeleteLOVE 'EM! Totally make sense and the story sounds so intriguing!
ReplyDeletegreat idea!
ReplyDeletejust a suggestion for the first one,
"Holding my bracelet steady in front of the scanner, the door to my cage..."
the rest sound fine. totally see it!
I agree with Taylor above me. The first one could be rewritten like: "Holding my bracelet steady in front of the scanner, the door to my cage, I mean room, opens." I also thought the second was a bit of a run-on. If you fix it like this "He pulls me in the direction of the door and throws his wrist over the sensor [comma here] sending us into the twilight." you should be good to go. Really interesting idea with the bracelets/scanners, Hope. I know this sounds crazy and I'm sure you have a lot of betas already but I would LOOVE to beta it! :) Great post.
ReplyDeleteThey make sense to me. I wish I had one of those for my closet to keep my kids out. Ha!
ReplyDeleteYep. Makes total sense. :) I'm loving the voice in this - can't wait to read it!!!
ReplyDeleteMy ONLY crit and I'm being so picky because it is AMAZING, would be do you need 'the' in the second sentence... 'sends us into THE twilight.' I think it would work without... but like I said, totally being a douche by asking. :)
SOOOO impressed, Hope! Eep - so excited for the HNSD Ninjas.
Sounds like a fun project! I'm intrigued! :D
ReplyDeleteIt makes sense to me! :) I hope I get to read this someday!
ReplyDeleteThey make sense to me. :) They come across as futuristic and you wrote them well.
ReplyDeleteHey thanks! These make perfect sense. I mean once you have established the very first time that they are wearing these wrist bands that scan them into various places within the facility, these sentences will be seamless.
ReplyDeleteHow fun is this! I love Magic 8 Balls. :)
ReplyDeleteThey all made sense to me. :) I'll admit the second one took me a second, but I think it is probably a lot clearer in context.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a cool concept!
I agree! They all make sense to me too - what a cool concept! The more I find out about this WIP, the more I want to read it! Thanks for the tag Hope!
ReplyDeleteI had to re-read your intro to realize that they're separate lines (bows head in humiliation. And yes, they all make perfect sense.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting read!